VivaLaZimmer Podcast Episodes

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Welcome To NY - Now Keep Moving

Welcome To NY - Now Keep Moving

I work in the heart of Times Square and the excessive amount of flabby poorly dressed tourists is astonishing. At any given point of the day you have to push through seas of slow to get anywhere. The vendors hawking hop on hop off bus tours, their CD’s for a “donation”, tickets to comedy shows and fake Prada bags love these people and zero in on them as they are moving in their sea of slow. They are easy to distinguish vs. New Yorkers by a couple of reasons:

They are always wearing bright colors. NY is grimy – we wear black
They walk as if they are taking a leisurely stroll on the beach
They take pictures of EVERYTHING – hot dog vendors, the crazy homeless people, street signs
A while back a prankster drew lanes on 5th Avenue on the sidewalk – a right lane for slow tourists and a left or passing lane for New Yorkers that actually wanted to get to their destination and move at a purposeful clip. I really believe these need to be painted on every sidewalk in Manhattan

I have decided to come up with a list of rules that should be put on a laminated card and given to all those who enter New York for the purpose of visiting. You are only not given one if you can prove current or past residency of at least 3 years. On this card will be the following rules:

MOVE we walk fast here - step up the pace
Between 8-9:30 am 12-1 and 5-7 we are trying to get to work, grab our lunch to eat back at our desk (New Yorkers don’t take leisurely lunch hours), or get to our busses or trains. When you are taking up space and slowing us down we will push past you violently
On the same note, we don’t care if you need another picture of Bobby and Mary Sue in front of yet another street sign and will walk into the line of your picture.
Look ahead of you not up, when I see you doing that I will try to trip you for being a gawking douche
Single file people not 5 across holding hands and walking so slow you are practically walking backwards. We will barrel through and push you into the sidewalk
Do your research before you leave your hotel – stopping every six feet staring at a subway map in the middle of a busy sidewalk will only lead to someone sending you the Bronx instead of the Statue of Liberty.
It’s expensive here. A pack of cigarettes will cost you $14, a decent meal for two an easy $100. Stop complaining about the prices
Also your waiters and waitresses need to live in this expensive city. The minimum tip is 15%. If your server put up with your overly friendly slow ass and didn’t fuck up your order you need to tip at least 25%
You look like a douche when you are the leader of a troop of 30 carrying a flag and all in the same shirt so you can find each other. The streets are numbered for Christ’s sake and everyone has a cell phone. You won’t get lost. Side note: I saw a “troop leader” the other day with a shirt on that said “Unless you faint puke or die KEEP WALKING” which gained my respect
10. All of the big Broadway shows are like pizza or sex, even when they are bad they are good so for the love of god don’t stand on the TKTS line deliberating for 45 minutes about where you are going to spend your whole $20 to sit next to someone who paid upwards of $200

All in all I think if visitors to NY followed these simple rules my life and any other native’s would improve drastically and the urge to stab you in the face to get the fuck out of our way would decrease dramatically

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