Sunday, December 11, 2011
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Welcome To NY - Now Keep Moving
Welcome To NY - Now Keep Moving
I work in the heart of Times Square and the excessive amount of flabby poorly dressed tourists is astonishing. At any given point of the day you have to push through seas of slow to get anywhere. The vendors hawking hop on hop off bus tours, their CD’s for a “donation”, tickets to comedy shows and fake Prada bags love these people and zero in on them as they are moving in their sea of slow. They are easy to distinguish vs. New Yorkers by a couple of reasons:
They are always wearing bright colors. NY is grimy – we wear black
They walk as if they are taking a leisurely stroll on the beach
They take pictures of EVERYTHING – hot dog vendors, the crazy homeless people, street signs
A while back a prankster drew lanes on 5th Avenue on the sidewalk – a right lane for slow tourists and a left or passing lane for New Yorkers that actually wanted to get to their destination and move at a purposeful clip. I really believe these need to be painted on every sidewalk in Manhattan
I have decided to come up with a list of rules that should be put on a laminated card and given to all those who enter New York for the purpose of visiting. You are only not given one if you can prove current or past residency of at least 3 years. On this card will be the following rules:
MOVE we walk fast here - step up the pace
Between 8-9:30 am 12-1 and 5-7 we are trying to get to work, grab our lunch to eat back at our desk (New Yorkers don’t take leisurely lunch hours), or get to our busses or trains. When you are taking up space and slowing us down we will push past you violently
On the same note, we don’t care if you need another picture of Bobby and Mary Sue in front of yet another street sign and will walk into the line of your picture.
Look ahead of you not up, when I see you doing that I will try to trip you for being a gawking douche
Single file people not 5 across holding hands and walking so slow you are practically walking backwards. We will barrel through and push you into the sidewalk
Do your research before you leave your hotel – stopping every six feet staring at a subway map in the middle of a busy sidewalk will only lead to someone sending you the Bronx instead of the Statue of Liberty.
It’s expensive here. A pack of cigarettes will cost you $14, a decent meal for two an easy $100. Stop complaining about the prices
Also your waiters and waitresses need to live in this expensive city. The minimum tip is 15%. If your server put up with your overly friendly slow ass and didn’t fuck up your order you need to tip at least 25%
You look like a douche when you are the leader of a troop of 30 carrying a flag and all in the same shirt so you can find each other. The streets are numbered for Christ’s sake and everyone has a cell phone. You won’t get lost. Side note: I saw a “troop leader” the other day with a shirt on that said “Unless you faint puke or die KEEP WALKING” which gained my respect
10. All of the big Broadway shows are like pizza or sex, even when they are bad they are good so for the love of god don’t stand on the TKTS line deliberating for 45 minutes about where you are going to spend your whole $20 to sit next to someone who paid upwards of $200
All in all I think if visitors to NY followed these simple rules my life and any other native’s would improve drastically and the urge to stab you in the face to get the fuck out of our way would decrease dramatically
I work in the heart of Times Square and the excessive amount of flabby poorly dressed tourists is astonishing. At any given point of the day you have to push through seas of slow to get anywhere. The vendors hawking hop on hop off bus tours, their CD’s for a “donation”, tickets to comedy shows and fake Prada bags love these people and zero in on them as they are moving in their sea of slow. They are easy to distinguish vs. New Yorkers by a couple of reasons:
They are always wearing bright colors. NY is grimy – we wear black
They walk as if they are taking a leisurely stroll on the beach
They take pictures of EVERYTHING – hot dog vendors, the crazy homeless people, street signs
A while back a prankster drew lanes on 5th Avenue on the sidewalk – a right lane for slow tourists and a left or passing lane for New Yorkers that actually wanted to get to their destination and move at a purposeful clip. I really believe these need to be painted on every sidewalk in Manhattan
I have decided to come up with a list of rules that should be put on a laminated card and given to all those who enter New York for the purpose of visiting. You are only not given one if you can prove current or past residency of at least 3 years. On this card will be the following rules:
MOVE we walk fast here - step up the pace
Between 8-9:30 am 12-1 and 5-7 we are trying to get to work, grab our lunch to eat back at our desk (New Yorkers don’t take leisurely lunch hours), or get to our busses or trains. When you are taking up space and slowing us down we will push past you violently
On the same note, we don’t care if you need another picture of Bobby and Mary Sue in front of yet another street sign and will walk into the line of your picture.
Look ahead of you not up, when I see you doing that I will try to trip you for being a gawking douche
Single file people not 5 across holding hands and walking so slow you are practically walking backwards. We will barrel through and push you into the sidewalk
Do your research before you leave your hotel – stopping every six feet staring at a subway map in the middle of a busy sidewalk will only lead to someone sending you the Bronx instead of the Statue of Liberty.
It’s expensive here. A pack of cigarettes will cost you $14, a decent meal for two an easy $100. Stop complaining about the prices
Also your waiters and waitresses need to live in this expensive city. The minimum tip is 15%. If your server put up with your overly friendly slow ass and didn’t fuck up your order you need to tip at least 25%
You look like a douche when you are the leader of a troop of 30 carrying a flag and all in the same shirt so you can find each other. The streets are numbered for Christ’s sake and everyone has a cell phone. You won’t get lost. Side note: I saw a “troop leader” the other day with a shirt on that said “Unless you faint puke or die KEEP WALKING” which gained my respect
10. All of the big Broadway shows are like pizza or sex, even when they are bad they are good so for the love of god don’t stand on the TKTS line deliberating for 45 minutes about where you are going to spend your whole $20 to sit next to someone who paid upwards of $200
All in all I think if visitors to NY followed these simple rules my life and any other native’s would improve drastically and the urge to stab you in the face to get the fuck out of our way would decrease dramatically
Commuting: Save Cash Waste Precious Moments of Life
Commuting: Save Cash Waste Precious Moments of Life
Now I commute every day to a great job in “the city” regardless of where you live whether New York, California, or Iowa, there is always a “city” vs. the cheaper surrounding areas those less fabulous and economically inclined live and then commute in to for work or play.
Commuting in for play isn’t an issue. You drive, take out a loan and pay to park your car for five hours for roughly $3 million.
Commuting for work however is an issue. An annoying one.
The issue that plagues most is the “schedule”. Bitch after 14 years of this shit, there is no schedule! I laugh at the people that are all “I need to leave at precisely 5:12 PM to get my 5:28 bus or train or whatev. I live in reality and know – with my bus at least – its 5:30-ish which will most likely come at ten after 6 or came already at a quarter after five.
For me the issue is the friggin people on the busses with me, invading my airways with their stenches, my hearing with their nonsense and assaulting my eyes with their fashion. Don’t get me wrong, I have met some really cool chicks on the bus – ones I totally Facebook or text – because they? Are normal (or at least my version of normal)
Then there are the ones that get on at 6:15 AM with their 12 kids and think they are only paying for 1 seat and then get snippy when they are told they need to pay for their kids who will be in a seat unless they prefer the overhead compartment.
We also have the people who are ridiculously hungover and feel the need to rehash everything on the phone with their friend including details about the guy they went home wit h last night. The Entire Hour and a Half Ride. You my friend are Klassy (notice the capital K) .
There is also the Holy Rollers that sit there with their bible and rosary beads praying (for a short commute? That we get there on time? For world peace?) The entire time and give you a look if your suit contains a skirt that is shorter than your ankles like you are the devil itself. Its always fun when Klassy and Holy Roller sit within earshot of each other.
The most irritating for a girl to sit next to is Mr. My Balls Are 14” Wide So I Must Straddle the Seat. Really? You have ONE seat. Not yours and ¾ of mine asshole – so contain yourself and seriously with that 1970s hair & tight rolled jeans I’m sure you have a 3 incher and live in your mothers basement. Stay out of my personal space.
The only effective method for blocking this all out and arriving to work at a manageable stress level involves 1) wear a lot of perfume so no one wants to sit near you 2) Sunglasses so you can ignore the hopeful glance they shoot you as they get on wanting to squeeze in to the inside seat and if 1 and 2 fail 3) a fully charged ipod with noise cancelling headphones and a great book to entertain you and block it all out.
By Chriseee
http://twitter.com/chriseee
Now I commute every day to a great job in “the city” regardless of where you live whether New York, California, or Iowa, there is always a “city” vs. the cheaper surrounding areas those less fabulous and economically inclined live and then commute in to for work or play.
Commuting in for play isn’t an issue. You drive, take out a loan and pay to park your car for five hours for roughly $3 million.
Commuting for work however is an issue. An annoying one.
The issue that plagues most is the “schedule”. Bitch after 14 years of this shit, there is no schedule! I laugh at the people that are all “I need to leave at precisely 5:12 PM to get my 5:28 bus or train or whatev. I live in reality and know – with my bus at least – its 5:30-ish which will most likely come at ten after 6 or came already at a quarter after five.
For me the issue is the friggin people on the busses with me, invading my airways with their stenches, my hearing with their nonsense and assaulting my eyes with their fashion. Don’t get me wrong, I have met some really cool chicks on the bus – ones I totally Facebook or text – because they? Are normal (or at least my version of normal)
Then there are the ones that get on at 6:15 AM with their 12 kids and think they are only paying for 1 seat and then get snippy when they are told they need to pay for their kids who will be in a seat unless they prefer the overhead compartment.
We also have the people who are ridiculously hungover and feel the need to rehash everything on the phone with their friend including details about the guy they went home wit h last night. The Entire Hour and a Half Ride. You my friend are Klassy (notice the capital K) .
There is also the Holy Rollers that sit there with their bible and rosary beads praying (for a short commute? That we get there on time? For world peace?) The entire time and give you a look if your suit contains a skirt that is shorter than your ankles like you are the devil itself. Its always fun when Klassy and Holy Roller sit within earshot of each other.
The most irritating for a girl to sit next to is Mr. My Balls Are 14” Wide So I Must Straddle the Seat. Really? You have ONE seat. Not yours and ¾ of mine asshole – so contain yourself and seriously with that 1970s hair & tight rolled jeans I’m sure you have a 3 incher and live in your mothers basement. Stay out of my personal space.
The only effective method for blocking this all out and arriving to work at a manageable stress level involves 1) wear a lot of perfume so no one wants to sit near you 2) Sunglasses so you can ignore the hopeful glance they shoot you as they get on wanting to squeeze in to the inside seat and if 1 and 2 fail 3) a fully charged ipod with noise cancelling headphones and a great book to entertain you and block it all out.
By Chriseee
http://twitter.com/chriseee
REALITY ENOUGH FOR YOU
So Reality TV started out as “The Real World” where people stopped being polite and started getting real. Then we had The Osbournes, who although celebrities, let us into their lives and gave us a sneak peek of their regular lives – or however regular you can get living in a mansion and being rock royalty. Somewhere along the way however, they stopped being polite or real. The Hills – really now how many stilted scripted conversations can one watch with all of their blank stares at each other. I wanted to hurl something at the screen!
Then we moved onto the competition reality shows like Apprentice, Survivor, Project Runway and Top Chef. As much of the competition portion was real, the personalities depicted with their confessional diatribes are often so fake and obviously played to garner fan favoritism and to launch their own following and fan base as a celebrity.
Now I have no problem with those earning millions acting, singing, dancing and their lives becoming a celebrity circus. I can kind of tolerate the Paris Hilton, Kardashian's and Nicole Ritchie’s that entered our conscience through seemly incidents like sex tapes, clubbing or – gag me – being a socialite, because they built empires that clueless people flock to purchase their merchandise so “OMG I can be a celebutante too!” taking advantage of the stupid yes, but laughing and making somewhat legitimate bank in the meantime is ok.
What pisses me off is the Real Housewives and Jersey Shore cast members that go on TV, make a mockery of themselves and then proceed to be EVERYWHERE. Spinning off Bethany Getting Married? And starting the show after we had all seen pictures of the wedding and the baby was so retarded I couldn’t even watch it and as she was the only RH franchise member I actually liked a bit says a lot. I propose we have a new rule that you must display some sort of talent and no scripts or direction aside from abiding by FCC rules take effect. Therefore no watching idiots get drunk, start fights and drama just for ratings and only that can be reality TV all other shows need a band of good writers and actual SAG actors that paid their dues and earned the right to be on a red carpet or giving an award away.
That said, I am now going to go watch my Tivo’d Real Housewives of NJ and see what that crazy bitch Danielle did now and feel my blood pressure rise.
By Chriseee
http://twitter.com/chriseee
Then we moved onto the competition reality shows like Apprentice, Survivor, Project Runway and Top Chef. As much of the competition portion was real, the personalities depicted with their confessional diatribes are often so fake and obviously played to garner fan favoritism and to launch their own following and fan base as a celebrity.
Now I have no problem with those earning millions acting, singing, dancing and their lives becoming a celebrity circus. I can kind of tolerate the Paris Hilton, Kardashian's and Nicole Ritchie’s that entered our conscience through seemly incidents like sex tapes, clubbing or – gag me – being a socialite, because they built empires that clueless people flock to purchase their merchandise so “OMG I can be a celebutante too!” taking advantage of the stupid yes, but laughing and making somewhat legitimate bank in the meantime is ok.
What pisses me off is the Real Housewives and Jersey Shore cast members that go on TV, make a mockery of themselves and then proceed to be EVERYWHERE. Spinning off Bethany Getting Married? And starting the show after we had all seen pictures of the wedding and the baby was so retarded I couldn’t even watch it and as she was the only RH franchise member I actually liked a bit says a lot. I propose we have a new rule that you must display some sort of talent and no scripts or direction aside from abiding by FCC rules take effect. Therefore no watching idiots get drunk, start fights and drama just for ratings and only that can be reality TV all other shows need a band of good writers and actual SAG actors that paid their dues and earned the right to be on a red carpet or giving an award away.
That said, I am now going to go watch my Tivo’d Real Housewives of NJ and see what that crazy bitch Danielle did now and feel my blood pressure rise.
By Chriseee
http://twitter.com/chriseee
Monday, April 5, 2010
VivaLaZimmer Podcast Ep 005
In this Easter Sunday Edition of VivaLaZimmer Podcast Ep 005 , Chriseee is back and ready to rant. We will discuss the new TV show “Jerseyliscious”. Chriseee will discuss one of her favorite ,writers/bloggers and New York City’s own Jason Mulgrew. We will talk about last week’s wedding and Carl’s love of Plants
Thursday, March 25, 2010
VivaLaZimmer Podcast Ep 004 •
VivaLaZimmer Podcast Ep 004 • March 25th, 2010
VivaLaZimmer Podcast Ep 004
In this edition of the VivaLaZimmer Podcast , Carl goes solo on this episode and talks about big Carl’s love of food from Brooklyn. Carl will also talk Tom Hanks & HBO’s “The Pacific” and give props to the soldiers. Will explore the world of Stickkam and his new friend Andrew Zarian (guysfromqueens.com) .He also rant’s about his lack of a job and ungrateful americans. Carl pulls up an old interview by R Lee Ermey interviewing Micheal Jackson.
VivaLaZimmer Podcast Ep 004
In this edition of the VivaLaZimmer Podcast , Carl goes solo on this episode and talks about big Carl’s love of food from Brooklyn. Carl will also talk Tom Hanks & HBO’s “The Pacific” and give props to the soldiers. Will explore the world of Stickkam and his new friend Andrew Zarian (guysfromqueens.com) .He also rant’s about his lack of a job and ungrateful americans. Carl pulls up an old interview by R Lee Ermey interviewing Micheal Jackson.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
